Dear Pathfinder:
My girlfriend is 29, working at a call center, in school for her
bachelor’s degree and living with her parents. Sadly, she’s a late
bloomer. While I wish she was more established, I’m OK. My mother,
though, thinks I’m settling. I love my girl, but my circle includes
doctors, attorneys, public relations executives, MBAs, etc. I don’t
think my girlfriend fits in. Is it wrong to explore options? —Anonymous
It’s not wrong or right to explore other options, as long as you
break up with her and don’t cheat on her. If you’re in a relationship
and not satisfied, by all means, go find what makes you happy.
But before you do that, you need to figure out what you want
and what matters to you, which I’m not sure you are clear about just
yet. You wrote that you didn’t care that your girlfriend is a “late
bloomer,” but then you quickly added what your mother thinks about her
and how your girlfriend doesn’t fit in with your friends. Does your mom
and what looks good in your circle matter more than your love for your
woman? Maybe so. But be honest about that and don’t blame your
girlfriend because you value your mother’s opinion and care more about
your friends than you do the person you’re with.
It really sounds as if you’re more interested in a good look than a
good woman. If that’s what’s more important to you, so be it. But take
ownership of that and don’t put your girlfriend down for not meeting
your new expectations. It’s not as if she’s a slouch. She’s working, at
least part time, and in school. She’s 29 and making the
sacrifice—because it’s a rare American adult who really wants to live at
home with his or her parents and under their rules—in order to get
where she wants to be in the future. You seem unwilling to wait or
support her while she’s putting in the effort to build herself up.
That’s your choice. But be mindful not to blame her for that, as if
she’s done something wrong here.
I’ll also warn you to be careful what you ask for. There are good
people with sexy jobs, and you can find a great woman with a more
alluring job title that will impress your friends and mother. But do
know that good people at any station in life are hard to come by.
Replacing your girlfriend with someone else you fall in love with is
entirely possible, but it won’t be as simple as you think, mostly
because, well, to be frank, your mom is too involved in your
relationships and you seem insecure about your place in the world.
That professional woman who has it all together? She’s not going to
deal very long with a guy who comes to her with “Well, my mama thinks
... ” That gets old real quick. And whatever new woman you find, if you
keep the outlook about her having to fit in with your friends, she’s
never going to live up to what you want in the long run. They’re going
to move up in their careers. What if she doesn’t move up as fast? Does
she go by the wayside, too?
And what if she’s a high-powered attorney who gets burned out and
wants to try something less demanding? Does she get dismissed, too? What
if the new woman outearns and has more degrees than everyone in your
circle, but your mom and friends still don’t like her? Does she go, too?
What we’re really talking about is your insecurities. You
want a girlfriend with some “oomph” because it makes you think you’re
hotter and will compensate for your own perceived deficits. But your
insecurities are going to mess up not just the good thing you have going
but also the good people, if you can find them, to come.
You say you love this woman? Then, if you don’t think she’s good
enough, do her a favor and free her up for someone who acknowledges the
effort she’s putting in to improve her future and doesn’t judge her
beginning by someone else’s finish. Let her be available to someone who
will support her and be a cheerleader for what she’s trying to
accomplish instead of looking down on her for not being where his
friends are or for not getting his mother’s approval. If you fell for
her, I’m going to assume that she brings some great personal qualities
to the table. I’m sure there are many men who would love to have a good
woman who demonstrates that she has some hustle and ambition.
Or you could just acknowledge that you got caught up for a minute and
were focusing on the wrong things. In that case, tell her you love her
and she’s doing a good job.
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